The Depressed Vampire Bat

The Depressed Vampire Bat

One day I was walking into the Purrrrfect grocery store. By the way, it’s not perfect. That’s just the name of the store. The reason I go there is because it’s the cheapest place in town. If you could see me, you would understand. I look old with gray hair, yellow fangs and a scraggly beard. After I got out of the store with my food for the week, including three baby carrots and a stick of celery, I was flying home when I saw the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen; a five dollar bill. With this I could by myself about 5 chocolate bars. AWWWW sweet, sweet chocolate. Oh how  I love chocolate. Then I turn, and I headed to the more expensive place called the Pawless grocery store.

When I got there I was looking around, and then I saw something so beautiful and so elegant; a ten dollar bill. Wow, is it my lucky day or what? Now that I have fifteen dollars, what am I going to do? Ohhh I have an idea I can buy a scratch card and a bag of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos. When I got in line the man asked if I was eighteen or older, and I said no for some stupid reason. Then he said that he couldn’t sell me the scratch card. At least I got my Doritos to eat my sorrows away. Then it hit me. I just have to get a mustache, a hat, and a coat.

The next day I went there, and it’s a different person working the counter. I got lucky on that part. When I get up there, and I ask for a scratch card he asked for my age and I said 21. Well I totally forgot that I got a fake gray wig, so he kicked me out. What am I going to do? I have an idea I’ll just bribe him with five dollars. Hopefully my luck hasn’t gone away, because then I’m out five dollars. Let’s do this! Aww man I need a nap. All of this evil thinking is getting to me.

The next day I walk into the store. I wasn’t dressed up in anything. I was myself. When I get up to the counter, a different person was working behind the counter. It was time. It was about 5:45 when I got to the counter. As soon as I got up there it was a shift change. There he was. The first cashier I had goofed on the first time. When I got up there, he asked what I wanted, and I said I think we both know what I want.

“No really dude what do you want.”

“I would like one scratch card please.” Then he asked for my age, and I said twenty-one. Ok that will be two dollars and fourteen cents, At that moment I was furious, but also happy because I got a scratch card.

When I got out of the store, I saw the most beautiful thing in the world; a chihuahua. You probably thought it was more money. Who do you think I am? I walk up to her and said that I like salad. She was confused and said ok. I asked her how old she was. She didn’t like and the next thing you know I’m handcuffed and on my way to county, solitary, downtown, the joint, the slammer, whatever you want to call it. I’m on my way to jail for having a scratch card and I’m not old enough and for asking how old a chihuahua was. When I got to county, there were some bad animals there. Like real gangsters; Tigers, lions, german shepard. I mean bad animals. When I got to my cell I fell asleep. One week later I got out. I think they just tried to scare me to teach me not to break the law.

When I got home I took a long bath. I mean seriously, I groomed myself for like one and a half hours of non-stop grooming. After my bath I decided to plan out my plan to get another scratch card, first things first I’m going to need a whole bunch fruit, and I think we all know what I’m going to do with these. Yeah that’s right. I’m gonna eat them. What did you think I was going do? After that I will go to the store, buy the scratch card, and leave. I know that it sounds complicated,````````````` but that’s how I do things.

When I get there for some reason I started staring the cashier down, but then I finally realized who she was it was my mom. Duhn duhn duhhhhh. I walk up there and asked my mommy if she could buy me a scratch cards and she said oh sure anything for my little baby boy. Mom i’m thirty-seven years old. What’s your age have to do with that, you’ll still be my baby boy until i’m long gone.

Then we finally got back on track and she bought me one. Once I had it in my hand I felt like 234 million bucks. Do you know why because I won. I won. Oh my god I won. I never thought this day would come. Then came the first hard part, my mom bought the card, so she wants half and I was like how about a fifth, then she was like no. We finally came to an agreement of her getting 34 million of the money.  

Then it was the second hard part what should I spend this on now that I can literally do anything. Three weeks later I was retired lived in Lansing, Iowa right by the wisconsin border and fished on the Mississippi river. I had a thirty-four thousand dollar boat it’s like a speed fishing boat. I also have a pontoon for partying out on the river. I am living the dream only very few people live.

Retirement isn’t as fun as it sounds when you're a lonely loner and don’t have anyone to live with. I live with you honey, shut up mom, by the my mom lives with me. I know it’s weird I won the lottery, but I still live with my momma. Good thing is when I go out on the river for a couple hours I come home to some seriously delicious food. There is nothing better then mommas cook.