Thursday, May 12, 2016

Illuminati Confirmed

There once was a boy named Thomas. For the most part, Thomas was your regular old average boy. He enjoyed things like action figures, NERF Guns, and toy trains. Life was great for Thomas, until one day tragedy struck. Please enjoy the story of how Thomas, the four-year old boy, single-handedly took down the evil organization known as The Illuminati.
It was a regular day for Thomas. He woke up, went to preschool, threw his IPad at his teacher, got suspended, and went home. We he arrived at his front door, a smile grew upon his face. Before opening the door, he looked behind him and showed off his smile to the big yellow bus that had just dropped him off. Thomas quickly turned around and knocked on the door. Normally, he would receive an answer from his Mother, who would be dressed in her pajama pants and might be having some smokes. Today was different though. Mother never came to the door after five whole minutes. Thomas continued to bang on the door.  After a while Thomas decided it would be a great idea to go through the basement doggy door. He walked around the house and went straight through the door. He quickly sprinted up the stairs. To his horror, he found his mom laying there in her own blood. Around her, smokes made the shape of a triangle. Horror overtook Thomas as he looked into his mother’s dead eyes. Just then he heard a crash come from the kitchen. With anger, Thomas sprinted to the kitchen and found, none other than, Bill Clinton. He looked Thomas right in the eyes.
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” he said.
“Who sent you?!” Thomas screeched.
“Ms. Lewinsky,” he replied” I’m just foolin’ with you, Little guy. The Illuminati sent me”. He smiled and walked out the back door with the blood still dripping from his fingertips. Only one thought ran through Thomas’s mind as he watched the former President walk out on his lawn.
“I mean, I knew Bill was a liar and a jerk, but HE was apart of the Illuminati? Dang,” Thomas said to himself.
There began Thomas’s quest for blood. This four year-old wanted to destroy the illuminati and its leader.
Thomas got on the bus which made its way towards the airport. He boards his plane and takes the first flight to Egypt. Upon arrival he goes to his temporary hotel and unpacks. Once he’s done, he goes into the bathroom and grabs a bar of soap. He then goes outside his room and towards the balcony. H`e hoists the soap into fountain below causing a giant bubble explosion across the lobby.
“Dopeasaures” he said to himself as he walked back into his room. He could hear people cursing from inside his room.
It was about 9:00 p.m. so Thomas decided he would head to his destination: The Pyramids of Giza.
Thomas arrived right at exactly 9:11 p.m. To his surprise, he saw only one person visiting the landmark. When he got close he realized that it was George Bush.
“George Bush? What are you doing here?” asked Thomas.
“Oh, y’know. Its my daily trip,” he replies.
“Oh I get. Its 9:11,” says Thomas.
“You bet.”
“Obama’s dog visited our school once and he told me that you did that whole ordeal but I didn’t really believe him”.
“Nope, all me”.
The clock turned to 9:12 and Bush backed away into the shadows. Thomas whipped out his IGalaxy6s+ and played The Illuminati theme song on Youtube. The pyramid began to “peel skin”. The layer underneath was none other than the green Illuminati triangle with the eye levitating above it. A door appeared in the front of the pyramid and a man stood in front of it. When Thomas got closer, he realized it was Jay-Z.
“Hey, I got 99 problems and you’re one of them so get out of the way,” commanded Thomas.
“Okay, I gotta be in Paris anyway,” he replied as he get out of the way. Thomas walked right through the opening in the massive structure. In his eyesight stood, four people. It was too dark to see who they were. He was in a big dark room, and behind the four structures stood a throne with a hooded person sitting in it. He/She was the leader of the Illuminati. A spotlight hit the structure on the farthest left. The structure lifted its face. It was Lady Gaga.
“I KNEW IT!” screamed Thomas. The expression of Lady Gaga did not change because she obviously had her Poker Face on. She screeched and sprinted at Thomas but Thomas quickly fired his NERF Blaster at her. He had modified his bullets so they have spikes in the front. The bullet pierced through her neck.
“It’s okay Lady Gaga,” said Thomas, “You were born this way”.
The next figure had the spotlight shown it. Thomas quickly matched the face to Beyonce.
“Don’t get cocky, Little guy” she said winking.
“You’re a talker now, huh? Well if you like your mouth so much then put a ring on it,” Thomas said. Thomas hoisted a Ninja ring into her mouth. The blood on her face made him think she should have a Halo above her head.
The 3rd contestant raised its head. It was freakin’ B.O.B.
“Oh I bet you got the Magic then?” mocked Thomas. At that moment, B.O.B. revealed a wizard hat. Thomas saved him the embarrassment and quickly shot him in the forehead with his NERF blaster. Suddenly strange clouds appeared above his dead body.
The fourth figure stepped forward. It was none other than Tom Cruise.
“Your movies suck!” screamed Thomas. Thomas ran at him as fast as he could and RKO’d him so hard that he would be spending the next week at the chiropractor.
Thomas walked forward to the altar of the leader. Four bloody bodies lay behind him.
“Very good,” said the hooded man.
“That was for my Mommy,” Thomas said.
“So, what next?”
“I’ll kill you, then take your throne. I’ll hire better actors and performers, and we’ll worship Jesus, not any of your Satan BS,” Thomas said. A tear ran down the hooded man's face. The tear hit his black scruffy black beard as he yanked the hood from his head. All along the leader of the Illuminati was…
Find out the rest in supply drops.
Just kidding.
All along the leader of the Illuminati was...DRUM ROLL PLEASE...Mr. Ross.
After killing off the rest of The Illuminati, Thomas began his own rule of the organization. He built it from the ground up, and hired the dopest of people. Thomas signed the will of the Illuminati to Leonardo Dicaprio for after Thomas dies because Thomas believed that he was the most sexy man alive. Thomas married Ivanka Trump after RKOing Donald. The only end we have to tie up left is Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky. After many days of timeless trial they found that Bush did 9/11. I want to thank you for listening to the story of Thomas, and how he took down the Illuminati, rebuilt it, and created the greatest story of all time.

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